Joke of the day..

[the rifleman]

I thought this was a funny one..

The Piper

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late, and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the backhoe, and crew left, and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and saw the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.

I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.

[the rifleman]

If that one didn't give you a chuckle, here's another one.

The Knob

A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head, under her hairline and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.

Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

"All these years, everything has been working just fine.
I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results.
But now I've developed two annoying problems":

"First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them".

The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts".

She said, "OH! Well I guess there's no point in asking you about the goatee..."