Jokes anyone?

[the rifleman]

My wife got back from shopping and said to me:
"I spent 10 minutes trying to unlock someone else's car earlier. I swear, sometimes I think I'm retarded, haha!"
"Don't worry, I do that all the time!" I replied.

"What? Mix up our car with a different one?" she said.


"No, think you're retarded."

BA_DOOM

A Police STOP at 2 AM
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."


The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"


The man replies, "That would be my wife."

[kenkell1]

hahahahahaha those are funny.

[krusty]

whats the definition of indecent?





If your long enough and your hard enough your indecent!

[Rock Doctor]

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice..
The teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fuckin' beautiful!''


RD

[Mack45]

An older man went to see his Doctor for a long over due check up the doctor said he was in great shape the guy says I had better be at 77 I just got married a couple years ago and my second child is on the way . The doctor looked at him and said are you sure he said of course. So the doctor told him a story about a friend of his at 73 years decided to go back hunting this year . the older man said that should be OK .
The doctor said it should have been but he forgot his gun at home and goes anyway gets to his favorite spot and there is a big prime beaver in perfect shape so the guy points his Cain at the beaver and says bang bang and the beaver drops dead .He looks at his patient and says what do you think of that story the old guys says well to be truth full I think some one else must have put a few shots in that beaver. The doctor looks him in the eyes and says well now at least I think we are on the same page.

[the rifleman]

A professor at MEMORIAL UNIVERSITY OF NEWFOUNDLAND, was giving a
lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year
medical students.

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor
decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said,
'Do you know what your ass**** is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably moose hunting with his buddies.'

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.

[the rifleman]

A few more?

I called 911 and said, "I think my wife is dead." The operator asked, "How do you know?" I said, "The sex is the same, but the ironing is building up."


I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said, "You're pulling my leg."


My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend.. yet.


I went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until the doctor stuck his index finger up my butt. Do you think I should change dentists?


I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die, you get reincarnated, but you must come back as a different creature. She said, "I would like to come back as a cow." I said, "You're obviously not listening."


My wife has been missing for a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So I went to the thrift shop to get all her clothes back.

[Rock Doctor]

Last autumn, a group of friends went deer hunting and decided to paired off in two's for the day. That evening one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight point buck.

"Where is Edward?" the other hunters asked.

Ed's hunting partner, Brian, replied, "Edward had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail."

The other hunters gasped and one guy asked, "You left Edward laying out there and carried the deer back?"

"It was a tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured that nobody would steal Edward."



RD

[the rifleman]

I went to the local library today, and while waiting in line to check out some books, I heard this fellow ask the librarian, "Do you have that new book about men with really small penises? Sorry, I can't remember what it's called."

"I'm not sure if it's in" the librarian replied.

The man said, "That's the one, I'll take a copy!"

[the rifleman]

Recently heard at a seniors Occupy Movement rally...

What do we want?

A cure for alzheimers!

When do we want it?

Bacon!

[the rifleman]

Murphy's Law's-Top Ten


1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

[the rifleman]

A new priest, born and raised in Newfoundland, is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No sh*t... what happened next?"



-I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by
turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole
thing.
I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

-Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting
names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm
50.
It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary!

-Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at a recent show, a circus spokesman said,
"He was a wonderful performer, and we'll really struggle to find another man of that calibre!"

[the rifleman]

I volunteered recently to perform a parachute jump for charity. On our first day of training, the instructor made an important point about preparing for landing at 300 feet.
"How do you know when you're at 300 feet?" asked one woman.
"A good question," replied the instructor. "At 300 feet you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."

The woman thought about this for awhile before saying, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"

[DLM]

McGuinty's Chauffeur
Dalton McGuinty was touring the countryside in his chauffeur-driven limo.
Suddenly, a donkey jumps out onto the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.

McGuinty says to the chauffeur: 'You get out and check, you were driving.'
The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.
'You were driving; go and tell the farmer,' says McGuinty.

Hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a
big grin on his face.
'My god, what happened to you?' asks McGuinty.

The chauffeur replies: 'When I got there, the farmer opened his best
bottle of whiskey, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter
made love to me.'
'What on earth did you say to them?' asks McGuinty.

'I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them,
'I'm Dalton McGuinty's chauffeur and I've just killed the jackass.