New Joke for today

[the rifleman]

The Farmer Goes To Town

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home, he stopped at the hardware store and bought a large galvanized bucket, and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store, and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However struggling away outside the feed store, he now had a big problem - How to walk all his new purchases home?

While he was scratching his head, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane please?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you, there but I can't figure out how to carry all this lot"
The little old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much for the great idea!", he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl to her intended destination..

On the way the farmer says, "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time".
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do all that?"

The little old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold on to the chickens".

[the rifleman]

Need another?

Psychology & mixed emotions

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about
psychology and mixed emotions.
The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of crap! I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time."

She said, "You have the biggest penis out of all your friends."

[the rifleman]

Alaskan Tale (where life is tough & humor is dark)

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers..

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.
Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay ."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her and we feel you are entitled to a share of the catch."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

[deepfried]

Haha good joke to start the day off

[DLM]

SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2009



Scenario 1:



Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.


1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.


2009 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counsellors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario 2:

Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.


1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins.. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.


2009 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged them with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.



Scenario 3:



Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.



1957 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2009 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The school gets extra money from the state because Jeffrey has a disability. Jeffrey later successfully sues the school board, principal, and teacher. The suit is settled out of court for an undisclosed sum that is well in excess of 6 figures.


Scenario 4:


Billy breaks a window in his neighbour’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt..




1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.


2009 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.



Scenario 5:


Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock.



2009 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario 6:


Pedro fails high school English.


1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.



2009 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given
His diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario 7:

Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.


1957 - Ants die.


2009 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents -- and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated.
Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.


Scenario 8:

Wally falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Nancy. Nancy hugs him to comfort him.




1957 - In a short time, Wally feels better and goes on playing.


2009 - Nancy is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison... Wally undergoes 5 years of therapy.

[the rifleman]

Went to my doctor complaining of a "peeing" problem, so he referred me to a urologist.

It was a female urologist. She was absolutely stunning, beautiful, a total knockout.

She told me that I have to stop masturbating.

I asked "Why??"

She responded "so I can examine you".

[Meatpole]

Originally Posted by the rifleman

Went to my doctor complaining of a "peeing" problem, so he referred me to a urologist.

It was a female urologist. She was absolutely stunning, beautiful, a total knockout.

She told me that I have to stop masturbating.

I asked "Why??"

She responded "so I can examine you".

not funny

[the rifleman]

Sorry if you found that offensive Meatpole. .how about this one..?


Man wakes up one morning in Alaska, to find a bear on his roof.
So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers." He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12Ga. shotgun, and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go.
The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

[sawmill]

Originally Posted by Meatpole

not funny

And your handle is MeatPole??????????

[the rifleman]

Originally Posted by sawmill

And your handle is MeatPole??????????

I thought the same thing..just a little hesitant to point that out..

[DLM]

Fifty Years of Math 1950 -2000 In Canada


Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. Why do I tell you this?

Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

1. Teaching Math In 1950s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math In 1960s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20 ..

5. Teaching Math In 1990s
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok.)


6. Teaching Math In 2000s

If you have special needs or just feel you need assistance because of race, color, religion, sex, sexual orientation, age, childhood memories, criminal background, then don't answer and the correct answer will be provided for you. There are no wrong answers.