Wednesday- joke of the day

[the rifleman]

Little Johnny Story

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. The stories were all the regular stuff, hard work, and pennies saved type of thing..
The teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Little Johnny was left to tell his story.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share with the class?" she asked fearing the worse..

Little Johnny says "Yes ma'am, my daddy told me a story about my Mommy".

Mommy was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had
to bail out over enemy territory. All she had with her was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and injure her. Having bad luck with the strong desert winds, she landed her parachute right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "Did your Daddy tell you there was a moral to this horrible story?"


Little Johnny replied,

"Yes my Daddy said, "Don't ever f*** with Mommy when she's been drinking."



I love these touching stories!
__________________

[wizzum-lvr]

LMAO....good one

[Cariboo]

Love it! LoL

[DLM]

THE DUCK HUNTER

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak. He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged..., shooting him in the crotch. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his doctor. 'Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the birdshot.'
'What's the bad news?' asked the hunter.
'The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive birdshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister.'
'Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad,' the hunter replied. 'Is your sister a plastic surgeon?'
'Not exactly.' answered the doctor. 'She's a flute player in the local symphony and she's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye.'

[DLM]

The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a caller asked, “Doctor, I want to know, why do men always want to marry a virgin?” To which the doctor handily responded, “To avoid criticism.”



******




Alberta
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael,
the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through
the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on
it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a
place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of
Earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of
great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to
be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white
people, and over there is a continent of black people.
Balance in all things."

God continued pointing to different countries.
"This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very
cold and covered in ice."
>
The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to
a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's Alberta, the most glorious place on earth.
There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes,
forests, hills, and plains. The people from Alberta are
going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and
they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely
sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and
producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked,
"But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "I will create Ottawa Ont. Wait
till you see the idiots I put there."